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How did I get so lucky?

Sometimes, I ask myself what I did to have met such an amazing guy because if you look through some older entries that were dated in 2008 & 2009, I was nothing but a snide girl who said words to this boy that were filled with hatred and curtness.

Looking back, I am absolutely disgusted at how I acted. I have seeked forgiveness from Mike and despite all that has happened, he still chose to love me. That’s why I can only give thanks on how far we have come because it really wasn’t an easy journey for the both of us.

The following post is taken from my private diary and it was dated 20 July 2011.

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The events that have transpired over the past month and a half have been nothing short of a roller-coaster ride. You know how they say life catches you off-guard when you least expect it and yes, it has come full circle to bite me in the ass, or truth be told, to sooth and awaken my stone-cold heart which was the result of me being weary of indelicate mishandlings and the persistant pride that refused to let me be vulnerable, lest that was seen as a weakness.

5 years on, he is back in my life. Who on earth would have imagined that this reunion could occur? Oh yes, I remember the awkward conversation after a volunteering session at the Riders for the Disabled Association (RDA). I was in my pink ACJC t-shirt and shorts, messy ponytail (he still remembers!), dusty face from bringing the horses on their walking exercise… he tried to offer me a packet of Twistes chips, I declines, wondering who this tall, dark-haired, bespectacled guy was.

But it wasn’t his physical looks that caught my eye, but how atrocious looking his school uniform looked. Checkered shirt? So ‘Scottish’. No idea which school that was too.

But Mr Persistent did not budge and went on to ask for my MSN email address, under the disguise of collecting a volunteers contact sheet. Didn’t see the harm in giving him that, didn’t sense that it was the beginning of something bittersweet to come.

*

As with most 17 year-olds, first dates were characterized by awkwardness that didn’t escape us either. He asked me out on a Saturday and that Saturday in 2006 happened to be 1 April, April Fools’ Day! I actually harbored a brief thought that the date would be a joke and he wouldn’t even turn up! Now, we had a typical movie date at Lido (we caught ‘V for Vendetta’) theaters where the both of us were probably spending more time trying to read one another’s moves rather than concentrating on the movie’s plot. He tried to hold my hand… did I cave in, out of curiosity to find out how it was like to hold a boy’s hand? I don’t think so…

Even after the movie, I remember we set on the benches near the fastfood take-away counter of Lido… conversation probably strained the first time around. He tried to lean in, to get me to sit closer but I was one huge awkward turtle. I didn’t bulge. Now I wonder how he felt about that! 5 years ago, I was so conservative… if my 23 year-old self had a chance to meet my 18 year-old self, I would tell her, “Relax child, enjoy the present!” Things are always funnier on hindsight.

We went out again for a couple of dates- one even to his place to watch ‘Mr & Mrs Smith’ on DVD but all I remembered from that afternoon was that I felt so nervous, because I wasn’t really to kiss him. Yes that was how straight-laced I was.

I remember also how his dad told him sarcastically to ‘Zip up your pants’ when we emerged from his bedroom later… OMG, did he think I was  that sort of girl?! I was MORTIFIED to say the least and could only let out a feeble laugh. To set the record straight, nothing happened behind closed doors, everything was absolutely PG, honest to God.

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That was the beginning of what I thought would be something special in 2007. Throw in periods of daydreaming about the boy during JC classes, scribbling love notes on the margins of my worksheets (*cringe*), sneaking out at 10pm to speak to him over the telephone just so to avoid my youngest brother eavesdropping on the conversation (I’m very curious as to what we spoke about for hours on end now), looking forward to Wednesdays because that was when I could see him again although I think we tried to act very nonchalantly around one another when in close proximity.

Ms Neta, the ACJC teacher-in-charged of the CIP then actually told me to play ‘Kool Kat’ and apparently she felt the boy showing interest even way before he approached me… how she picked up such signals, I really do not know!

*

Somewhere along the line, something unexpected happened. Whatever warm feelings I had from puppy love was slowly being replaced by feelings of disgust by the boy’s increasing arrogance, also perhaps due to my heightened sensitivity. Or maybe of not having a mind of my own and being swayed by my concerned friends who told me to guard my heart. This was all so new to me and the easiest way to keep the emotional mess out was to run away.

Coupled with the difficult timing of him about to enlist for National Service and myself, a new chapter in life that was in SMU. I ignored the opening lines during MSN conversations, always listing myself as ‘busy’ or ‘unavailable’ which spilled over in all states of my being when it came to him.

Telephone calls would would be ringing off the hook and left unanswered; I would let it ring until it died down. To keep distracted, I plunged myself in a flurry of activities in and out of school during my first 2 years in SMU. There was my part-time stint at a student-run cafe Frujch, Model United Nations, RunTeam trainings, South West CDC’s community involvement projects and ad-hoc responsibilities I took up just to full up my schedule on top of juggling my school assignments and projects.

That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy keeping busy or these were just feeble excuses that I could use in future to justify my actions. In any case, being so involved and undertaking on new roles made me the person I am today- more confident of my opinions, expressive and definitely more mature. All part of the growing up process I guess.

Over time, I was oblivious to the fact that the boy was occupying less and less of my memory. I did not even bother to spare a thought for his feelings, thinking then that I was such an emotionally strong girl, independent and would be damned if I were to mope around, not making the best of my undergrad years. To be honest, I wasn’t out to deliberately hurt him… I just kept my distance because I, the mega-selfish prick thought it was the best way not to end up hurting myself. How disgusting right?

We had loose associations from time to time… I would indulge in a super sporadic telephone call but my defences were fully up. I would meet him over coffee for a quick chat, but never harboring any hope to extend that minimum time we had together… to hell with sweaty palms when holding hands, butterflies in the tummy from the anticipation of meeting one another… I told myself that I didn’t have time for love.

*

In the past month and a half, I felt like the luckiest girl on earth… what’s the possibility that someone could fill up the empty corners of my heart again, or better still, play such an important role in my life as my boyfriend… and hopefully, life partner? No, I am not being crazy or rah, this boy that I know now, 5 years on, has all the qualities I would love for in my future hubby. I never felt so comfortable around anyone before, so intimate with my caresses, so vulnerable and exposed with the feelings of bliss, vulnerability and euphoria, my fears, dreams… thoughts all laid out on the table for him to understand. And understand he did. He never rushed me, or pressured me, all he did was to ask me to give him/us a second chance.

So much sincerity that I sensed from that letter he beautifully crafted that moved me to tears. It was only then I realized that I might have made a mistake about the both of us all around, depriving ourselves from creating something very special for the last 5 years… but right now, I believe in not hankering after the past, and that things happen for a reason even though we may not be in a positon to fully comprehend then.

Right now, I believe the time apart from each other that we had was good, painful or otherwise because only now, it’s so much clearer that perhaps it was the case of ‘right person, wrong timing’ all along. I believe in second chances and I am glad I did.

And with a combination of creativity and sincerity, he wowed me with letters and handwritten poetry. He’s so much more romantic that I could ever wish to be although I told him that he is slowly chipping away at my defenses, that Mr. Softee he is. I hope, over time that my broken heart will heal and that it would expand and radiate the love it was meant to radiate again after a sullen 5 years (with bouts of excitement, as temporal as they may be in contrast to this committed relationship we are now building into the future).

The best thing was that he told me several times in the last 2 weeks (officially, we ‘got together’ on 1 July 2011, the day he handed me that mushy, honest letter just before we were due to catch a really crude movie called ‘Your Highness’ but even the hot Natalie Portman couldn’t save it from feeling massive cringes) that ‘I was the one for him’, i.e. he wants to marry me!

Seriously?!!!! I was so shocked, how could anyone be so certain in such a short amount of time? But accompanied with the shock is a comfort and great joy because I can imagine living with him, starting a family (no more than 3 kids, we say, but who is to be so certain now?) … I am not kidding.

A year back, I even contemplated joining SDU (Social Development Unit which is like a pseudo match-making agency by the government…) because I was worried that I would be left on the shelf, or like an old piece of sushi that no one would touch on the conveyer belt. You know, sometimes one has to be proactive in dealing such issues. :p

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What an amazing feeling, looking at him in the eyes & seeing our future together. A girl really cannot ask for more that a guy for who she really is and vice versa. Mike has taught me to release the regret, disgust and sadness about the way I acted in the past, choosing to believe that I did what I thought was right in the past, and he goes, “What happens is that we are together now dear”. Am I very blessed or what?!

He is teaching me to ‘be in the present’ which is an echo to my personal mantra to always be fully present in this moment.

Not to gush but I believe the boy gets me… even though we had such a long time apart. I love the witty, sarcastic banter we share, his beautiful smile, his shyness when it came to showing some baby videos of himself (really death by cuteness, he was such a happy baby, chewing curtains while in a baby walker, being OCD with his toy cars, shrikes of excitement over I don’t know what)… I was even excited to tell my parents about him, to the point that I invited him over for dinner with the family after 2 weeks of being official. This would be crazy fast if you asked me a year back or two ago, but right now, my heart is at peace that he is the one and I have nothing to hide but to say that I am in love with this boy who makes me so happy- to see him, kiss and hug him.

He has reassured me time and time again that he will be at my side, and that we would make it through rough patches that would inevitably come our way in the future & hopefully, we would emerge stronger as a pair.

I am really excited for what is to come and I cherish every moment, every day with him.