One of the best things about our Krabi holiday was the ability to disconnect from technology and just enjoy the ‘here and now’. We were blessed with great sunny weather that was perfect for baking under the sun, despite what the weather forecast predicted prior to our departure.

I am grateful for M, my travel buddy and amazing boyfriend for putting up with my unpredictable languidness and peaks of excitements… with much compromise on his part. There were a couple of times when we were snappy with each other, or at least, I felt that it was me who caused the misunderstanding but the important lesson is still being humble enough to say sorry and make up for the dispute with a hug and a kiss.

Other stuff note worthy about our first holiday together (and many more to come!) was the lovely staff at Pranang Flora House, which essentially was a hotel at hostel price. You can’t blame me if I told you I almost refused to leave the place; with its spacious room, queen-sized bed, comfy pillows and fluffy sheets, hot shower and a safe deposit for a piece of mind. We also ate our weight of Thai food- Tom Yum soup, Tom Kha Ga, Phad Thai…

Truth be told, we kept returning to the same eatery because the food there was extremely delish without burning a hole in our pockets. While Ao Nag is a convenient base of operations for exploring nearby islands and beaches, it is also very touristy. We saw many more white tourists than locals and there is an array of souvenir shops, restaurants plus a wealth of dive shops. day-tripping and snorkelling possibilities.

And who could forget the S$8 per hour Thai massages where we were massaged into a blissful, oblivious piece of pulp? Well, that was how I felt after the massages, because for those who have put themselves through Thai massages before would know that it involves a lot of stretching and cracking of knuckles. I had to ‘tolerate’ the heavy pushes that the masseuse yielded into my body during the hour long sessions. Not that I am complaining because I would love to have unlimited Thai massages for the rest of my life at an affordable price!

Personally, I feel that the best holidays I have are always close to nature. There was Alishan mountain that made me fall in love with hiking when I was in Taiwan back in 2007. Then, there is the Niagara Falls in Canada, the amazing valleys and peaks at the Grand Canyon and the Appalachian mountains which I cycled through in 2010 while on exchange to the States. And just last year, I also cruised down the Mekong Delta from Ho Chih Min city in Vietnam and took a unforgettable bumpy jeepney ride and an arduous trek to the stunning rice terraces of Bataad in the Philippines. Not to mention, climbing Mount Pinatubo in the Philippines after a 45 minute ride on a four-wheel drive towards the once-explosive volcano.

Likewise, this holiday in Krabi was meant to be surrounded by nature, away from the crazy city life that has characterized Singapore. Sheer limestone crags spike every horizon and the translucent Andaman Sea laps the sandy beaches. Talk about an idyllic beach getaway with breathtaking panoramas.

What made this holiday such a special one was not only was it my first vacay with Mike but it was also my first time spending Christmas overseas. We spent Christmas evening under the night sky with the sea breeze gently caressing our faces, and a lovely voice from a nearby restaurant doing covers of evergreen classics like The Carpenters’ ‘Yesterday Once More’ and John Denver’s ‘Leaving On A Jet Plane’. M also went down on his knees to say some very sweet stuff which I will not disclose here… but it made me tear. No, he didn’t propose to me… not yet anyway.

I can’t wait to plan another trip… I really do want to explore Europe. I haven’t been there before but hopefully that’s something I can strike off my bucket list really soon!

Lesson 1: Never put off going to the doctor’s when the fever has been persisting for 3 days.

Lesson 2: Being admitted to (NUH’s) A&E ward doesn’t mean that you’re spared the wait. I had to wait 3 whole hours during which I took a blood test, a urine test & an X-ray while the tips of my fingers turned blue and my entire body was shivering and was in tremendous amount of pain. This is despite 2 hospital blankets wrapped around me and Mikey dear holding on to my hands.

Lesson 3: One can hardly fall asleep in a hospital ward. A raging fever, body chills and surround sound of snores just made me wish daylight came faster. I didn’t even think about how gross I was, with unwashed hair for 2 days. (Yucks.)

Lesson 4: It’s OK to cry when you’re in pain, it’s OK to admit that you’re totally helpless & vulnerable. I am thankful for my mum and dear for being there when I needed someone to sooth my fears, especially while waiting for the diagnosis. Dear even patiently fed me bland hospital food, wiped my tears away and reassured me that he will be there ‘in sickness & in health’; to borrow a line from the wedding vow. Like I said, I don’t know what I did to have such an amazing boyfriend but I want to love and cherish him for the rest of my life. <3

Lesson 5: When I’m down in the doldrums, nothing will perk me up more than loving family, caring friends, colleagues & very understanding bosses. Cliche, but being in hospital forced me to reassess and re-prioritize what’s important to me in my life.

Lesson 6: I have a cool left kidney. According to the ultra-sound scan done, I not only had a kidney infection (oooh, so that was where my ‘backpain’ came from…) but my left kidney has a duplex collecting system. i.e. I have two ducts, instead of only 1 which most people have. But the not so cool part is that it just means I am more prone to infections.

Lesson 7: Taking antibiotics can be such a bitch, especially the ones that make you feel drowsy.

Lesson 8: Pushing the IV drip stand to the toilet, holding a plastic container to collect a pee sample & a toiletries bag in the other… I can’t even begin or want to describe this feeling of… retrogress? I hate collecting pee samples! It’s gross… I know, even I find collecting my own pee unnerving. No wonder I am not cut out to be a doctor.

My brother Joel and his girlfriend Mandy sparked off a burger frenzy last weekend when they whipped up the grill pan and made these juicy patties sandwiched between generously buttered and toasted buns.

Everyone who tried them couldn’t stop raving about how tasty they were. I asked Joel for the recipe and turns out that it was mostly based on ‘guess-timation’.

Mike & I gave Joel’s recipe a whirl on Tuesday evening while my other brother Jason, also tried his hand at it on Thursday.

While I probably displayed the same thrilled expression as Mike’s at eating a homecooked burger that isn’t filled with nitrates & other strange innards on Tuesday, give me another burger and I can only look at it in disgust.

I am so sick of eating burgers now.

It’s also easy to just ‘get into’ the next stage in life, it’s as though it’s natural progression- primary school, secondary school, tertiary education then university. After 4 years of late nights (whether it’s for parties or rushing a paper) and freedom, it’s time to get a job. Without a job, society tells you that you’re nothing, that you’re wasting what your parents’ and teachers’ have invested in you. There’s hardly any thinking on your part being done as you simply ‘just go with the flow’.

This article ‘What Are You Going to Do With That?‘ by William Deresiewicz is a timely reminder for myself as I begin my career search.

And most of all, don’t play it safe. Resist the seductions of the cowardly values our society has come to prize so highly: comfort, convenience, security, predictability, control. These, too, are nets. Above all, resist the fear of failure. Yes, you will make mistakes. But they will be your mistakes, not someone else’s. And you will survive them, and you will know yourself better for having made them, and you will be a fuller and a stronger person.

He’s the youngest in my family and is just a tender age of 17 but my brother Jason is growing up to be a fine young man.

A walking Physics & Economics dictionary, with both the ideals and practicalities for business. Over the past couple of years, I treasure the conversations we share, especially the advice he gives out candidly for many issues… Just over dinner with mum tonight, he spent the majority of time doling out advice, in a pointed manner, regarding property prices and future financial plans. He knows exactly what he wants in life and wouldn’t let the naysayers get him down. What was I doing when I was 17?! Right now, his hunger for success and drive inspires me. I have the faith that he would make a good consultant in future, or whatever he has set his heart to do.

We used to have frequent quarrels and would bicker over minor issues, with each person refusing to back down and give in. But I believe we know better now and I only have utmost respect and love for my siblings.

Not to mention that I quite enjoy his idiosyncrasies. One day, I came back home to find my entire bottle of tequila gone because that underaged brother of mine had a ball of a time with the alkie and friends. He sleeps with so many huge soft toy pandas and polar bears; his furry friends serve as a substitute for an actual blanket at night. He’s the one I turn to when MacDonald’s cravings hit me at midnight, and we would ‘conspire’ to dial Macs delivery to ‘share the fats’. And I don’t know how he does his networking, but he personally knows all the big honchos (e.g. CEO of Daikin air-con, MD of Audi, Regional Manager of CAT construction…) living in our estate and even went to Shanghai on holiday with one of the neighbor’s kid and his dad! He tells me all these contacts are very valuable and that he is greatly inspired by their rags-to-riches stories.

When he was younger, like around 2 years-old, I would enjoy seeing his chubby face light up when I bought some snacks home from my Primary school canteen. Of course  this habit of feeding him so much junk was borne out of love for my siblings but it didn’t really help him with healthy weight maintainance. Although I do have this theory that all little boys were once chubby and almost overnight they shoot up to become tall, gangly adolescents in a blink of an eye.

Ahh, the joys and pains of having siblings. We may fight, throw insults and chairs at one another (we were that violent in the past), conspire against our parents, build ‘forts’ with chairs, bamboo sticks and blankets to play make-believe but it all boils down to the simple fact that we can’t choose our family. And knowing that we have spent time to build satisfying and rewarding relationships with one another makes it all worth while.

Last night at 3.00 a.m. after a toss and turn in bed, an excruciating pain gripped the whole left side of my back. My body felt out of whack and I couldn’t sleep a wink more. I threw my comforter aside and got out of bed, only to find out that I couldn’t stand properly.

The pain kept persisting even after half an hour of hatha yoga poses, all from my memory, with hopes to sooth the pain (Usually yoga helps!). I tried sitting in my dad’s massage chair but every time the knob(?) kneaded into the left side of my body, I could only wince in agony. Everyone in the house was asleep and I didn’t want to wake my parents up for I knew they had to go to work and attend a church wedding respectively in the morning.

4.40 a.m. came and I couldn’t take it anymore so I decided to call Mike, in hope that talking to him would ease some discomfort. I know, I am insane to ring him up in the wee hours of the morning… I am only grateful for him to be so concerned and was even willing to come by my place to be at my side when I needed him.

When he came at 5.20 a.m., I was lying on the floor with a sore back, fighting back the tears. My helper and parents were also awake then and my dad even wanted to rush me to A&E while my mum said that it was probably my long hours of studying in front of the computer with a bad posture and similarly long hours standing on my feet at work.

I thought going to the A&E was overhyped, I didn’t think (and certainly hoped) that my situation wasn’t that dire so I decided to endure the pain till morning came, so mum could bring me to see the family sinseh (Chinese physician). What more, over the years, I have come to better appreciate Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) over Western medical practices for the former uses more natural herbs and goes to the root of the problem, instead of just curing superficial symptoms and administering short-term remedies with many chemicals.

*

Thankfully, at the sinseh, I didn’t have to wait long before it was my turn. Let me tell you, Dr. Huang certainly showed no mercy. He got me to sit with my back facing him and before I knew it, he was kneading the kinks out of my neck. My mum spent most of the time updating him about my granny’s condition as she used to go there for her weekly massages.

Despite conversing with my mum, his attention and efforts were still on my neck and my back. I was clutching whatever I could so hard and even cried a little as he kneaded, pounded and pummeled my back muscles. With every push, some crack from my back would emit and the entire process felt like someone attacked me all over with stone-cubs. (No hyperbole, really.)

Not satisfied, he told me to lie face down on the bed while he cracked and twisted my limbs to release the tension. After the ordeal, I have to admit I was feeling much better than before.

He told me in Mandarin what the issue was. Apparently, my posture is so bad from neck down that it has affected the nerves and muscles of my back. I need to stand and sit up straighter! Dr Huang tells me to ‘be more arrogant’, i.e. stop looking down all the time, whether it is reading or texting…. He also thinks I put too much pressure on myself to achieve perfection (true sign of a Virgo that I am) and hence it has been affecting my quality of sleep the last couple of months. So true… I have been having frequent panic attacks the last couple of weeks due to a couple of issues…

I guess I really need a time out. School, work, volunteering, Sundays School… all my commitments have taken a toll on my body and it’s prime time I start giving my body the attention it deserves. I haven’t done Cardio for months- I don’t even want to run after the bus these days. But Dr. Huang tells me to lay off intensive Cardio for now to let my body just get back into a peaceful mode. (How to achieve Shakira’s bod like that?! I kid…) My meals have been erratic and hurried due to my packed schedule. Terrible! And as if the string of bad news hasn’t been enough, my blood pressure is way lower than average. Like a tiger pouncing on its prey, my mum immediately suggested, ‘more red spinach and chicken liver to boost your iron levels’! Oh no… I love spinach but not so much the liver. *shudders*

Now that I am back home, I will be extra conscious about my posture and will be learning to chill out instead of bustling around, trying to fill every hour of my day with activity.

After all, I am a human BEing, and not a human DOing right? I need to just BE.

Dr. Huang has also given me 3 bags of strange herbs which I have to brew and be disciplined enough to gulp down the concoction.

C’est la vie! 

I am thankful for my parents and Mike for being there for me today when I am in excruciating pain. What are we to do without our loved ones?

P.S. The TCM place I went to even a Facebook account. Haha, talk about being updated with the times. For a shiokadoodle massage, check this out: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shandong-TCM/158580927522244?sk=info

Stay healthy!!!

Don’t you love gif pictures? :p Brings me right back to geocities/angelfire webpages of the late 1990s!

Since yesterday was Thanksgiving (well, my American friends would be celebrating it today), I figured that I’ll take some time away from revising for my last paper of my undergrad life to count my blessings for the year.

Personally, one doesn’t need to be American to partake in this tradition because I believe we can and should express gratitude on a regular basis. Of course, I wouldn’t deny that it’s another perfect opportunity to throw a dinner party where you can gather all your loved ones for a time of good food and merry-making, but that will come in future when I have my own kitchen oven and $$$ to splurge on a Butterball… in addition of not having my final exams during that said week.

On with my list of things I would want to give thanks for:

1) God

He has always been my source of strength and comfort even though there have been times this year I feel I’ve been so caught up with my own activities that I forgot to ‘talk’ to Him. He epitomizes unconditional love. Time and again, I have fallen away from Him, but He is always there despite it all. He reassures me that He knows the best plans for me, even though sometimes I really do not know what my future holds but all He asks of me is to trust.

2) My family 

Ironically, I think I’ve grown closer to my parents and brothers despite not being at home around so much this year. I am still learning to be more patient and slow to anger whenever there may be potential conflicts that may arise but I am thankful for the many opportunities afforded to me this year to just share with one another and listen to what each of my family members have to say.

Joel is still serving his National Service, so we don’t get to see him around that much except on weekends. As for Jason, he is used to speaking to his brother every night but ever since Joel has gone for NS, I have an easier time speaking to him, be it exchanging some ideas, sharing about our day or cracking some jokes. In the past, we used to bicker a lot but we have all grown up.

My granny is also feeling much better. That tough 83 year-old warrior that she is has fought back and regained her health after being admitted to hospital at the beginning of this year for about 3 months, and thereafter, had to stay in an old folks’ home for another 3 months as she needed constant monitoring. In July, she moved back home and even had the energy to tell my boyfriend how I was such a crybaby (colic) in the past.

3) Mike

I guess I’ve been talking too much about this amazing boyfriend of mine. See this post. But he is another huge reason I have to be thankful for.

He has been there for me the whole time in the last 5 months. Whether he brought me to hospital in the middle of the night where I spent my last hour of being 22 and first hour of being 23 there because of an acute pain in my lower abdomen, to cheering me up during my really grouchy moments with my favourite soft toy bunny Babbity (oops, time to grow up Joyce) and surprising me at my workplace with a rose!

4) Friends- both old & new.

I know I have been lousy at keeping in touch with my friends, especially those overseas this year. But nonetheless, I am grateful for all of you who have made my life better. Thank you, thank you, thank you…

Most of my friends here are new- i.e. I’ve got to know them or know them better in 2011, save for my ‘sistels’ and BFF.

• Jitka from Czech Republic whom is a sister like I never had. We met in Sociology class but hang out almost everyday of the summer hols with and we travelled to Vietnam with Don & Anna from Germany earlier this year too. I had so much fun with them.

• Christina whom I got the chance to know through ‘Issues Management & Risk Communications’ class and whose sense of humor is really unique. :p Glad we also had a chance to hang out quite a bit during the summer hols, and even met each other’s boyfriends!

• Veronica who is a friend of Christina’s & Adam and how we coincidentally ‘met’ in the library’s photocopying room only to discover we were in “Conflict & Justice in International Relations class” together. She’s always so chirpy and entertaining.

• Nadim who was a fellow teaching assistant to Prof. Gregor with me earlier this year, and who was in the above mentioned classes with me as well. He is such an inspiring friend who is aspiring to be a human rights lawyer in future!

• Naresh, another friend whom I got to know better through Risk Comms class. He is one of the most sincere people I know and a super encourager bro-in-Christ. I am thankful to God for letting our paths cross!

• Sofie, Nat & Mich. The last 2 whom I had the privilege to share another round of joys by working with them on another Corp Comms project after PR Strategy in 2009, and Sofie, new exchange friend from the land of H&M! And that’s us with one of the best profs I had the opportunity to learn from- Prof Mark Chong. 

• EdShad with whom I had one of the most unforgettable holiday with to the Philippines, also earlier this year. My golly, we lived to tell the tale! (This warrants another blog post altogether.) Now Eds and I have been friends since we were 12 years old… sometimes it’s really hard to believe that we’ve come so far! To more crazy times together- hopefully while backpacking across the world.

• Adam, whom I got to know better though Media Relations class and had one too many bitching sessions with about school, PR, work, the future… everything lah!

• Bartley cell-group & friends. Thank you for keeping me accountable during the past 3 years. Every one of you have been an amazing blessing in my life.

• Social Science cell-group. Thank you to my sister-in-Christ Esther for inviting me despite my initial apprehension because I was a ‘late joiner’. Thank you for being my prayer warriors!

• Capstone girls- Gladys, HX & Julie. It’s always comforting to see familiar faces around in school after your most of your own cohort has graduated! And to HX, I am so glad for your baptism!

• Nadiah (aka Nadz) whom I got to know during my Bite Comms internship last year. She never fails to crack me up and I am glad we still try to meet up despite her holding a full-time job!

• The girls & guys at Littered With Books- Nurul, Hui Min, Yuko, Cara, Claudia, Jacelyn, Michael (+ Tim, Gwen & An Yu who have stopped working there). LWB is indeed my happy place. Fantastic bosses & fun colleagues.

• ACJC AA3. Almost 7 whole years on and some things we know will be for life.

• My ‘sistels’- Slam, Bev, Olie, Hang, Fong. What’s a girl without her girlfriends? It’s comforting to know we have grown up together.

• SMU Social Science friends. Uni was made meaningful because of you guys!

• Sammie. Since when we were young girls, way back in Primary 5. I still keep her letters & her cards to me and although life takes us to various places now (She’s in HK for an indefinite period of time for work at present), I believe that our friendship has stood the test of time. There were some difficult periods where we just didn’t make the time to keep in touch, but I definitely don’t take this girl and our friendship for granted.

OOOOOOKKKKKAAAAAYYYYY. I just spent 2 hours uploading photos & inserting them into this post.

I think I have to cut short this post and really get back to my revision but I really have soooo many things to give thanks for!!

Tie your heart at night to mine, love,
and both will defeat the darkness
like twin drums beating in the forest
against the heavy wall of wet leaves.

Night crossing: black coal of dream
that cuts the thread of earthly orbs
with the punctuality of a headlong train
that pulls cold stone and shadow endlessly.

Love, because of it, tie me to a purer movement,
to the grip on life that beats in your breast,
with the wings of a submerged swan,

So that our dream might reply
to the sky’s questioning stars
with one key, one door closed to shadow.

Pablo Neruda

“To laugh is to risk appearing a fool, to weep is to risk appearing sentimental, to reach out is to risk involvement. To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas and dream in front of a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return, to live is to risk dying, to hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

Sometimes, I ask myself what I did to have met such an amazing guy because if you look through some older entries that were dated in 2008 & 2009, I was nothing but a snide girl who said words to this boy that were filled with hatred and curtness.

Looking back, I am absolutely disgusted at how I acted. I have seeked forgiveness from Mike and despite all that has happened, he still chose to love me. That’s why I can only give thanks on how far we have come because it really wasn’t an easy journey for the both of us.

The following post is taken from my private diary and it was dated 20 July 2011.

*

The events that have transpired over the past month and a half have been nothing short of a roller-coaster ride. You know how they say life catches you off-guard when you least expect it and yes, it has come full circle to bite me in the ass, or truth be told, to sooth and awaken my stone-cold heart which was the result of me being weary of indelicate mishandlings and the persistant pride that refused to let me be vulnerable, lest that was seen as a weakness.

5 years on, he is back in my life. Who on earth would have imagined that this reunion could occur? Oh yes, I remember the awkward conversation after a volunteering session at the Riders for the Disabled Association (RDA). I was in my pink ACJC t-shirt and shorts, messy ponytail (he still remembers!), dusty face from bringing the horses on their walking exercise… he tried to offer me a packet of Twistes chips, I declines, wondering who this tall, dark-haired, bespectacled guy was.

But it wasn’t his physical looks that caught my eye, but how atrocious looking his school uniform looked. Checkered shirt? So ‘Scottish’. No idea which school that was too.

But Mr Persistent did not budge and went on to ask for my MSN email address, under the disguise of collecting a volunteers contact sheet. Didn’t see the harm in giving him that, didn’t sense that it was the beginning of something bittersweet to come.

*

As with most 17 year-olds, first dates were characterized by awkwardness that didn’t escape us either. He asked me out on a Saturday and that Saturday in 2006 happened to be 1 April, April Fools’ Day! I actually harbored a brief thought that the date would be a joke and he wouldn’t even turn up! Now, we had a typical movie date at Lido (we caught ‘V for Vendetta’) theaters where the both of us were probably spending more time trying to read one another’s moves rather than concentrating on the movie’s plot. He tried to hold my hand… did I cave in, out of curiosity to find out how it was like to hold a boy’s hand? I don’t think so…

Even after the movie, I remember we set on the benches near the fastfood take-away counter of Lido… conversation probably strained the first time around. He tried to lean in, to get me to sit closer but I was one huge awkward turtle. I didn’t bulge. Now I wonder how he felt about that! 5 years ago, I was so conservative… if my 23 year-old self had a chance to meet my 18 year-old self, I would tell her, “Relax child, enjoy the present!” Things are always funnier on hindsight.

We went out again for a couple of dates- one even to his place to watch ‘Mr & Mrs Smith’ on DVD but all I remembered from that afternoon was that I felt so nervous, because I wasn’t really to kiss him. Yes that was how straight-laced I was.

I remember also how his dad told him sarcastically to ‘Zip up your pants’ when we emerged from his bedroom later… OMG, did he think I was  that sort of girl?! I was MORTIFIED to say the least and could only let out a feeble laugh. To set the record straight, nothing happened behind closed doors, everything was absolutely PG, honest to God.

*

That was the beginning of what I thought would be something special in 2007. Throw in periods of daydreaming about the boy during JC classes, scribbling love notes on the margins of my worksheets (*cringe*), sneaking out at 10pm to speak to him over the telephone just so to avoid my youngest brother eavesdropping on the conversation (I’m very curious as to what we spoke about for hours on end now), looking forward to Wednesdays because that was when I could see him again although I think we tried to act very nonchalantly around one another when in close proximity.

Ms Neta, the ACJC teacher-in-charged of the CIP then actually told me to play ‘Kool Kat’ and apparently she felt the boy showing interest even way before he approached me… how she picked up such signals, I really do not know!

*

Somewhere along the line, something unexpected happened. Whatever warm feelings I had from puppy love was slowly being replaced by feelings of disgust by the boy’s increasing arrogance, also perhaps due to my heightened sensitivity. Or maybe of not having a mind of my own and being swayed by my concerned friends who told me to guard my heart. This was all so new to me and the easiest way to keep the emotional mess out was to run away.

Coupled with the difficult timing of him about to enlist for National Service and myself, a new chapter in life that was in SMU. I ignored the opening lines during MSN conversations, always listing myself as ‘busy’ or ‘unavailable’ which spilled over in all states of my being when it came to him.

Telephone calls would would be ringing off the hook and left unanswered; I would let it ring until it died down. To keep distracted, I plunged myself in a flurry of activities in and out of school during my first 2 years in SMU. There was my part-time stint at a student-run cafe Frujch, Model United Nations, RunTeam trainings, South West CDC’s community involvement projects and ad-hoc responsibilities I took up just to full up my schedule on top of juggling my school assignments and projects.

That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy keeping busy or these were just feeble excuses that I could use in future to justify my actions. In any case, being so involved and undertaking on new roles made me the person I am today- more confident of my opinions, expressive and definitely more mature. All part of the growing up process I guess.

Over time, I was oblivious to the fact that the boy was occupying less and less of my memory. I did not even bother to spare a thought for his feelings, thinking then that I was such an emotionally strong girl, independent and would be damned if I were to mope around, not making the best of my undergrad years. To be honest, I wasn’t out to deliberately hurt him… I just kept my distance because I, the mega-selfish prick thought it was the best way not to end up hurting myself. How disgusting right?

We had loose associations from time to time… I would indulge in a super sporadic telephone call but my defences were fully up. I would meet him over coffee for a quick chat, but never harboring any hope to extend that minimum time we had together… to hell with sweaty palms when holding hands, butterflies in the tummy from the anticipation of meeting one another… I told myself that I didn’t have time for love.

*

In the past month and a half, I felt like the luckiest girl on earth… what’s the possibility that someone could fill up the empty corners of my heart again, or better still, play such an important role in my life as my boyfriend… and hopefully, life partner? No, I am not being crazy or rah, this boy that I know now, 5 years on, has all the qualities I would love for in my future hubby. I never felt so comfortable around anyone before, so intimate with my caresses, so vulnerable and exposed with the feelings of bliss, vulnerability and euphoria, my fears, dreams… thoughts all laid out on the table for him to understand. And understand he did. He never rushed me, or pressured me, all he did was to ask me to give him/us a second chance.

So much sincerity that I sensed from that letter he beautifully crafted that moved me to tears. It was only then I realized that I might have made a mistake about the both of us all around, depriving ourselves from creating something very special for the last 5 years… but right now, I believe in not hankering after the past, and that things happen for a reason even though we may not be in a positon to fully comprehend then.

Right now, I believe the time apart from each other that we had was good, painful or otherwise because only now, it’s so much clearer that perhaps it was the case of ‘right person, wrong timing’ all along. I believe in second chances and I am glad I did.

And with a combination of creativity and sincerity, he wowed me with letters and handwritten poetry. He’s so much more romantic that I could ever wish to be although I told him that he is slowly chipping away at my defenses, that Mr. Softee he is. I hope, over time that my broken heart will heal and that it would expand and radiate the love it was meant to radiate again after a sullen 5 years (with bouts of excitement, as temporal as they may be in contrast to this committed relationship we are now building into the future).

The best thing was that he told me several times in the last 2 weeks (officially, we ‘got together’ on 1 July 2011, the day he handed me that mushy, honest letter just before we were due to catch a really crude movie called ‘Your Highness’ but even the hot Natalie Portman couldn’t save it from feeling massive cringes) that ‘I was the one for him’, i.e. he wants to marry me!

Seriously?!!!! I was so shocked, how could anyone be so certain in such a short amount of time? But accompanied with the shock is a comfort and great joy because I can imagine living with him, starting a family (no more than 3 kids, we say, but who is to be so certain now?) … I am not kidding.

A year back, I even contemplated joining SDU (Social Development Unit which is like a pseudo match-making agency by the government…) because I was worried that I would be left on the shelf, or like an old piece of sushi that no one would touch on the conveyer belt. You know, sometimes one has to be proactive in dealing such issues. :p

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What an amazing feeling, looking at him in the eyes & seeing our future together. A girl really cannot ask for more that a guy for who she really is and vice versa. Mike has taught me to release the regret, disgust and sadness about the way I acted in the past, choosing to believe that I did what I thought was right in the past, and he goes, “What happens is that we are together now dear”. Am I very blessed or what?!

He is teaching me to ‘be in the present’ which is an echo to my personal mantra to always be fully present in this moment.

Not to gush but I believe the boy gets me… even though we had such a long time apart. I love the witty, sarcastic banter we share, his beautiful smile, his shyness when it came to showing some baby videos of himself (really death by cuteness, he was such a happy baby, chewing curtains while in a baby walker, being OCD with his toy cars, shrikes of excitement over I don’t know what)… I was even excited to tell my parents about him, to the point that I invited him over for dinner with the family after 2 weeks of being official. This would be crazy fast if you asked me a year back or two ago, but right now, my heart is at peace that he is the one and I have nothing to hide but to say that I am in love with this boy who makes me so happy- to see him, kiss and hug him.

He has reassured me time and time again that he will be at my side, and that we would make it through rough patches that would inevitably come our way in the future & hopefully, we would emerge stronger as a pair.

I am really excited for what is to come and I cherish every moment, every day with him.